Final Script

Café A La Sal

Lorna Jones, Catherine Hallas & Beth Dickinson

Sally opening monologue

Intro music playing as audience comes in.

Audience is greeted by Sally, as she hands cake that is provided on the tables. We have a few moments to let everyone settle in. Sally notices a table of dirty plates and cups…

Sally: Oh for goodness sake I told her to clear this up about 10 times, I am always busy round here…

Lights down

Sally: People are always coming and going. Me, I am very much a people person. I think that’s why I love my job so much. Don’t get me wrong we star wars and shit like that but all in all we are all pretty great. What I love most is knowing that we all have inner strength, you know what kind of strength that allows a mother to pull a car off of her child. Now that is pretty amazing. Or a man who has walked with a Zimmer frame for years springing out of his chair just to dance one last dance… okay that was pretty morbid, granted…. Oh I know, a man jumping into a river to save a puppy. I mean we all like puppies don’t we? If you don’t you can get out. I mean it leave… I’m joking you can stay, I’ll just hold it against you.

The point is I am a real believe in people and I get some right characters in here…

Lorna and Beth enter carrying costume

Sally: What are you doing? What have you got there?

Lorna: The costume? It’s our turn were on…

Sally: No, Remember like we rehearsed (points to costume rail in the corner- They look at one and other, Beth drops costume and runs off. Lorna picks up costume and bows out)

You can’t work with actors nowadays. The point is that I am a great believe in people and I get some right characters in here. Just the other day I saw the best contrast between couples I had ever seen in my life.

Circus music comes on. Beth and Lorna come running onto the stage as Sally holds up costume for them to put on. They then run to a table and stand behind a chair and look at each other, cue for music to go off. They then sit down in character.

Contrasting Couples

Tony: So are you just going to give me the silent treatment then? That will really sort this out! (Jessica huffs and turns around) Fucks sake.

SWITCH

Circus music plays again until stood behind chair looking at each other, music stops.

Fred: I love your skirt, it really complements your eyes (pulls out chair) Oh I like those earrings.

Barbara: Oh well you should, you bought me them. (laughter)

SWITCH

Circus music plays again until stood behind chair looking at each other, music stops

Tony: Look right, it was a mistake. I was drunk and she means nothing. I’m sorry. (pause) I was only inside her for 5 seconds!

SWITCH

Circus music plays again until stood behind chair looking at each other, music stops

Barbara: I know it’s only been 2 weeks but I feel like we are soul mates.

Fred: All my life I’ve felt like there’s been something missing, but now I’ve found you I feel like everything has fallen into place.

SWITCH

Circus music plays again until stood behind chair looking at each other, music stops

Tony: I’ll do anything, please forgive me, I can’t live without you…

Jessica: Shut up Tony. You’re pathetic. I don’t care what you did because you know what? I fucked your dad.

SWITCH

Circus music plays again until stood behind chair looking at each other, music stops

Barbara: I just always want to look into your eyes so I can see into your beautiful soul.

Fred: Oh Barbara

Barbara: Oh Fred

Both: I love you so much

Link before Mildred and Barry Part 1

Sally: Well I say contrasting, they were both very different yet both disgustingly sickly. Anyway can we please have a massive round of applause for our fabulous actors who did a wonderful job in that’s scene. Don’t take too long getting your breath back we have a long way to go yet…

Lorna and Beth are getting into costume and through the next monologue.

Sally: Another spectacle I saw in here were these two beauties. They are fairly regular in here but this, this was something different. They came in here one Wednesday afternoon effing and jeffing..

Lorna walks in…looking at sally

Lorna : Bloody hell…

Sally: No no… more like bloody hell.. Think toast

Lorna: Bloody hell?

Sally: No, you’re not playing Dracula are you? Maybe more like road.. Barry?

Lorna: Barry? Barry? Bloody hell, come along Barry…

Sally: I thought that something serious had happened in their family, that there might have been a death or something. But no, turns out they were arguing about…    

Mildred: Aunt Aggie!!!

Sally: Thank you Mildred yes, Aun-

Mildred: Don’t you interrupt me.

Sally: Aunt Aggie. The racist, intolerant, bi- (Mildred looks up with fury in her eyes) (b)eautiful woman that she is.

Barry: See I told you dear, she is going to be difficult.

Mildred: She is your great aunt on your brothers, wives, sisters, half- brothers, fathers side. She is family. You don’t turn your back on family, especially not at the time of our lord.

Barry: Yes dear.

Mildred: And another thing, apart from Aggie. Where are we going to place the children and what on earth are we going to get them? I mean Amy for one is not exactly a little girl anymore, she’d hardly appreciate a Barbie doll. (Sally sneaks away)

Barry: Yes dear.

Mildred: And Ben, when was the last time we saw him? Never mind found out what he likes. He’s 16 now, he will have distinguished tastes/ jenny said he hardly comes out of his room but spends hours chatting with young ladies.

Barry: I don’t know love, a condom?

Mildred: Barry Miles Thornton! We are an aunt and uncle to that boy. We need to encourage abstinence not - heavy petting!

Barry: Sorry dear.

Mildred: Now for Lucy, I would like to get some nice scented candles and for Joseph I would like to provide a brand new cot and pram for his little angel.

Barry: They sound fine love.

Mildred: Are you just saying that or do you mean it?

Barry: I mean it.

Mildred: Good. Now Emily and Jade are quite easy. Emily would like some costume jewellery and Jade would like a – oh what do you call them. Ah yes. My little horsie.

Barry: She would much rather Lego, she likes playing with our Terry. Plus that new film has just came out with the Lego people in it.

Mildred: No Barry, she will receive a my little pony and like it. Whilst were on the subject, little Terry. I think an action man. Yes definitely an action man. It will encourage many traits in him like… doing the dishes. Unlike some other men I could mention.

Barry: I do the dishes!

Mildred: Stacking them on the side is not the same thing as doing them dear!

(Barry starts to protest)

Mildred: I swear this is the same thing you do with the ironing.

Barry: Yes dear.

Mildred: You could just run over your shirts once but do you? No, it’s always down to me. And you never take your medication. You know you’re meant to take it for your joints.

Barry: I do.

Mildred: You don’t! You froze up in bed last week and there was me having to go into the bottom drawer, get me toy out and finish myself…..

Sally: Do you really think that’s necessary? Come on guys!

Mildred: And you never take the bin out. I remind you all week and you never do it. It’s always down to me. It’s difficult for me, I’ve got a bad back. You’d think you’d want to help your wife.

Barry: Does this have anything to do with Christmas love?

Mildred: Of course it does. At Christmas we have double the rubbish therefore double the bin load.

Barry: Yes dear.

Mildred: I’ve had to take double dosage of my medication to deal with the stress of taking the bin out and doctor Nisal is getting worried.

Barry: Sorry dear.

Mildred: Sorry won’t fix my back Barry.

Barry: I’ll go talk to doctor Nisal.

Mildred: It doesn’t work like that dear. There’s such a thing as doctor/patient confidentiality.

Barry: Yes dear.

Mildred: Come along Barry, we’ve lots do.

(They Exit.)

Sally: Those two never change; I can always count on them two to be the same no matter what is going on. It’s a funny thing relationships, the way that people react to one and other, take those two for example I am sure they love each other very much but to an outsider… well. Take my relationship for example ..(Interrupted by ‘Eye of the tiger’ coming in.)

LADS enter to ‘Eye of the tiger’ playing, wearing red and blue shell suits, instigating the setting of a boxing ring.

Sally: In the blue corner, standing at 6 foot 6, and weighing in at 17 stone 4, it’s Nathanial! (Pause for Nathanial to work the room) In the red corner, standing at 5 foot 7, and weighing in at 12 stone, with a hunchback and gammy leg….I’m only kidding, it’s Tyler.

The LADS belly pop, music stops.

Tyler: Fancy a brew mate?

Nathanial: Yeah man

Sally: No trouble today lads.

The LADS watch Sally’s bum as she walks across the room

Nathanial: No worries love

Tyler: Phwoar I would bend her like a pretzel.

Sally: You can have this table over here Lads. What can I get you today?

Nathanial: Just you on my face would be nice hahaha

Sally: None of that today Lads…what do you want?

Nathanial: Coke please precious

Tyler: Ohh I’ll have one of them lattes lovely

Sally walks away and Tyler does grotesque hand gesture behind her back. Nathanial begins to yawn

Tyler: Oi you rude bugger, what you yawning for?

Nathanial: I was up all night shagging that bird off Tinder

Tyler: What bird?

Nathanial: Your Nana

Tyler: Fuck off talking about me Nana like that, you scruff

Sally: You two are disgusting

The LADS high five and go into Rap, rap music starts playing.

Nathanial: I need pussy, pussy in my friend, If I don’t have pussy my life will end.

Tyler: My friend needs a hole cos he’s hard as a rock, so open up your tunnel and bounce on me cock

Nathanial: Let me hear you moan while I pant and groan then I’ll buy you a maccies with my benefits loan

Tyler: I’ll be a gentle man cos I always pull out, I’ve got no STDs so you can put it in your mouth

Nathanial: Let me bend you over so I can smash you from behind, I’ll film it on my phone and put it on my rewind. Stop the music a second! (Rap music paused and sound of a woman moaning is played, then rap music begins to play again) When you’re not here I’ll watch it with my mates you’ll have to be careful they might ask your rates

Tyler: I wanna lick your fanny, I hope you’re not a tranny that would be bad cos I think you’re proper canny

Fist pump, and try to fist pump Sally but she rejects.

Lads: And we are out.

Puppet scene.

Sally: (Looks at watch) Come a long you two we haven’t got all day… (looks around the curtain) WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING? Where the bloody hell did you get that bottle of wine from? Now is not the time for a break?!? Go on with you, get out there… I am not impressed 

(Lorna and Beth appear from the curtain)

Sally: (Handing puppet heads to Beth and Lorna) Old…

Lorna: Old?

Beth: Old? (Cue music Close to you – The Carpenters.)

Begin puppet movement.

Sally: How heart-warming it is to see them the same time, same day, same table every week. They rarely say anything, maybe that is because over the years they have said all that is needed to be said, or maybe they just enjoy being in each other’s company. Either way I find them the most fascinating to watch and learn from. Totally in sync, knowing the others wants and needs by a look. Passing the sugar with just a smile. Their hands touching and having that sense of comfort that they get from being close to one another. It’s the most amazing moment watching him watch her and knowing that he would do anything to make her happy.

Place puppets back on seat, Beth sits down at the table.

Beth: It doesn’t just happen to women, it happens to men too, whether your partner is male or female.

Cat places mask on Lorna’s face CUE MUSIC Fire and Rain – Birdy

Begin movement

Sally: They joy that a child can bring to an already loving dynamic is wonderful…Get out, get out of my face…..(Cue music to go off), Is everybody alright? Would you like another cake?

Cue new track to introduce the work colleagues

WORK COLLEAGUES

Work colleagues enter the café,

Lorna: (Cue for Music to go off) It is going to be a hard case because he is wanting be plead not guilty when it’s obvious that he is guilty…

Beth: yeah…

Awkward silence

Lorna: So … what do you fancy for your lunch then? Ooo spotted dick… I had to get some cream for that once ha…

Or how about an egg butty…

Oh how about a muffin, I certainly like your muffins…(Grabs breast/bottom)

Lighting change – Spotlight on Richard as Sally circles him

Sally: This is Richard, also known around the office as dick. He likes to think of himself as top dog, a player, a big fish in a small pond. He really isn’t …

Lights up

Lorna: You are looking well you know Andy…

Lighting change – Spotlight on Andy as Sally circles her.

Sally: And here we have Andy, formally known as Andrea. Her and Dick used to be in a relationship until a certain someone decided to sleep with the office bike Sarah…

Lights up

Lorna: So you been going to the gym, working out? I go like 4 times a week (flex muscles ) can you tell?

Beth: No (rolls eyes)

Lorna: Look we had some good times didn’t we, especially in the disabled toilets at work?

Pause…Sally mopping around at this point

Lorna: Come on Andy you know we were good together. I’m great at sex, your… good at sex. So what about it then? For old times’ sake?

Beth: Richard, you’re a dick. You think with your dick, you can’t keep your dick in your pants, you act like a dick, you speak like a dick, you look like a dick, you are just a fucking dick…

Lorna: That was a bit uncalled for don’t you think love?!  Do you know what I was very generous when I said you were good at sex… it was like having sex with a mop. Damp and ridged …

Beth: Prick (Knees in genitals)

Richard makes a big song and dance out of the pain he is in and slowly leaves the stage.

Drumroll, lights go down, Sally puts on a sparkly game show jacket…Cue Price is right game show music.

Sally: Hello and welcome back to Café a La Sal! I am of course your host Sally!!! Now can we please give a warm welcome back to everyone’s favourites, the bicker, they squabble and yet still so loveable … it’s Mildred and Barry!!! 

Mildred and Barry enter.

Music off when Mildred and Barry are sat down.

Mildred: Come along Barry. Hiya Susan Love.

Sally: It’s Sally

Mildred: Right, can we have a milky tea with 2 sugars and…(Barry tries desperately to order a drink he wants) No Barry, I need you alert, you’ll have a black coffee.

Mildred: Anyway, take a note. This is who we need to send a Christmas card to.(Sally brings over drinks) Thanks love, don’t you be eyeing up that milk and sugar Barry, you’re on a diet. Sally love, can I have a muffin please? Right so we need to send a Christmas card to, the nun on the bus who blessed Lucy as a baby, she’s always ever so nice. And the babysitter who had Joseph for a week, she helped us so much with him. Judith, obviously – she sent us that god awful Christmas pudding card last year (Barry looks shocked) Yes love, I know she’s your ex, we’ll send her that Rudolph card with the fluffy nose. (Barry shakes his head) Oh dear, she has a reindeer phobia doesn’t she? Oh well. Oh and we must send one to that waitress Sandra (Sally shouts correcting her). Oh and Jim and Felicity from Elm drive, their cookies are a Christmas delight! Oh and Greg (Barry looks quizzed) The bin man, Barry! And John the postie and oh I mustn’t forget Dr Nisal… that should do it. (Looks around and Barry has eaten her muffin) BARRY! Where the bloody hell has my muffin gone? Have you eaten it! Oh what a bloody liberty, I can’t have anything nice can I? You are supposed to be on a bloody diet.

Barry: Sorry dear.

Mildred: For goodness sake. Right for the others, I think we should get vouchers. That should be easy. Book tokens are always a hit. And our Christmas letter this year should obviously include the arrival of Joseph’s little angel, though I don’t think we should include your faux pas at the Henderson’s house warming.

Barry: Ok love.

Mildred: It was embarrassing and I’ve kept quiet about it!

(Barry rolls his eyes)

Mildred: Don’t you roll your eyes at me.

Barry: Sorry dear.

Mildred: But we must skate over it. Our letter must be glittering, we must be an example to the family.

Barry: Yes dear.

Mildred: And you need to hire a Santa suit. It’ll be nice for the kids to see the good St. Nicholas up close. Plus we can make you a grotto out of tinsel and coloured fairy lights.

Barry: White.

Mildred: What?

Barry: White fairy lights look classier and if we get twinkly ones, it’ll add a touch of magic.

Mildred: Barry, that was so poetic., I’ll get them out the loft shall I?!

Barry: Thank you, but Mildred, stay out of the loft.

Mildred: But what if I need to put things away?

Barry: The loft is my space.

Mildred: But what if you’re away?

Barry: Leave it in the hall then.

Mildred: But what if –

Barry: Mildred. The loft is my domain. No girls allowed, ok?

Mildred: Ok.

Barry: Good.

Mildred: Barry - I do still need your help though. Myself, Gladys, Phyllis, Margaret and Elizabeth are doing a secret Santa and I thought maybe an egg peeler or fancy washing up gloves. What do you think?

Barry: Sounds fine.

Mildred: Right let’s go Barry we’ve lots to do!

Barry: Mildred! I’ve had enough, I give up! I’m 54 years of age, it’s july. Why are we sorting out Christmas in July? All I want to do is sit here in peace and quiet and chill the fuck out. And if I want a muffin I’ll bloody well have one.

Mildred: (She stands looking very angry) Barry, in all my life I have never ever been so…Attracted to you right now. Take me to the bedroom Barry, make love to me.

They exit

Lorna runs onstage cue the music Outkast – Roses

Sally: I don’t want you I want her! Tell her to bring that coat.

Lorna rebels and sits on the floor.

Sally: If you are going to be a child about it I definitely don’t want you. Now go and get her!

Lorna reluctantly gets up and pushes Beth on stage, Sally tells Beth to go and sit down cue for music to go off.

Shrek Monologue

Billy: People laugh and take the piss everyday but I just ignore it. I’ve got my friends so don’t care what anyone else thinks. I’ve had jobs I just don’t last very long in them. That’s probably because I’m fat and always break the chairs in the office. I get in trouble for eating all the biscuits on my coffee break. Also, the others are always asking to be moved desks or offices because they’ve had enough and you know what? I don’t blame them. When I go shopping, I look for deodorant and aftershave that I like the smell of but I always end up leaving the shop because people are so rude. “You’re foul”, “you shouldn’t bother coming out of the house”. The one I hate the most is when people shout “get back in your swamp”. I’m not a bad person. I’m friendly, intelligent and caring. I’ve got so much love to give I just need to find someone to love me back. A bottle of lynx just doesn’t cut it anymore. At this rate I’ll be living on my own with 10 cats by the time I’m 60 and the cats will probably fuck off by then anyway. I guess I just have to deal with the fact that I fucking stink and not even just a bit of sweat because I’m fat, it’s a horrendous, rancid stench, I’m just to fucking lazy to go and do something about it.

Sally – Ex Scene

Sally pottering when David (Ex) enters. Dark Lighting

David stops at the door, intense moment Sally staring at the back of his head, him looking towards the ground, then slowly turns round.

David: Hi

Sally: I haven’t seen you in 6 years and all you have to say to me is hi..?

David: What do you want me to say? There’s nothing I can say to make up for what I said.

(Silence)

David: how are you…? Erm, you looks good…. Are you going well for yourself ??

Sally: Small talk .. really?

 David: This place in amazing

Sally: I know, well what did you expect me to sit around for 6 years waiting on you to come back to me ?

David: no, of course I didn’t, I am so..

Sally: Enough! I don’t want to hear I am sorry.

(pause)

David: How is…

Sally: Amelia is fine, thanks for asking

David: Amelia, yeah well I should have known you always loved that name.

Sally: Don’t you dare just smile and think everything is going to be ok, because you remembered that I liked the name.

David: Look we can’t talk here, meet me tomorrow at 11 at the kings, you know near the church?

Sally: I’ll see you tomorrow then

David: (Slowly walking out) It was really nice seeing you Sally.

He exits.

 (long pause)

Sally: (half to the audience and half reflective)  i… I don’t really know what just happened… I have played that moment over and over in my head for 6 years and never once did I imagine it going like that. I would scream at time, hit him throw him out and feel amazing for it. But it never what like that, what was I thinking?(Cue music)  I got caught up… and now I am going to meet him tomorrow! Well I will have to be on top form, lay it all out on the line. Tell him exactly what he did to me, how he fucked me and Amelia over and left me on my arse. Yeah I am going to do it …

 Sally gets up and walks to the costume rail and puts on a new jumper, and walks out and back into the studio, almost as if she is entering a restaurant where she is greeted by a waitress. Mime restaurant, David never shows. Beth and Lorna pick Sally up out of chair and bow, then seats her back down again to show how she is waiting. Lorna and Beth open studio door and let Audience out, whilst Sally is still sat waiting.

The END